Friday, December 21, 2012

The Jerky Connection - Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids

the jerky connectionNext in the on-going series of The Jerky Connection is this Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids variety. See our other reviews of The Jerky Connection.

Run by Tom Greineder, The Jerky Connection is a new business that launched last June, based out of Wrightsville, PA, boasting several flavors ranging from mild to insanely hot, including a line of jerky dubbed, "7 Gates of Hell".

Described by the company as "sweet and savory and devilishly hot", Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids is made with Ghost Peppers, Powdered Trinidad Scorpion, Trinidad Scorpion purée, and a "secret weaponized hot sauce" they like to call "Preparation-S".


None provided


The first thing I taste from the surface of these pieces is a light sweetness, with a well-noticeable chile pepper flavor. A fair amount of burn builds quickly.

The chewing flavor brings in a meaty, marinade, with a light natural meat flavor. Meanwhile the burn continues to mount.

For being named, "Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids", this jerky might just as well hold up. If the Dark Lord himself had something bothersome growing on his "ring of fire", these chunks of meat just might "pass" as something his own personal proctologist might exorcise from his nether parts.

The level of burn in this is rather high, ranking on my personal heat scale as "hot" (level 5 out of 5). It's enough to make my tongue feel as if it had been scalded with hot water, producing a swell endorphin rush, and a fair amount of sweat beading on my scalp.

Compared to the Gate 7 jerky, from the company's 7 Gates of Hell series, this seems to be one more step hotter, but with a clearly different chile pepper flavor. The heat also seems to last longer.

Otherwise, the flavor that seems to define this jerky is a mixture of The Jerky Connection's marinade and natural meat flavor along with an unmistakable fruity, flavor of chile peppers, namely ghost peppers and trinidad scorpions.

Meat Consistency

These are slices of whole meat, sliced medium thickness, and sliced into small strips large enough to accommodate one or two bites.

This is a dry jerky with a semi-moist, lightly oily, surface feel. The strips are flexible but still somewhat stiff. Chewing seems somewhat easy.

The chewing texture starts out feeling pliable, with a fair amount of initial chewing resistance. A few chews into a piece, and it immediately takes on a meaty feel. By the time it's rendered into a soft mass, it feels just like eating a piece of steak.

I don't see any bits or streaks of fat on these pieces, it all looks to be quite lean. I didn't encounter any stringiness, but I did find a few pieces of unchewable tissues.

As for clean eating, my fingertips pick up a light amount of oil, but not quite enough to require a licking and wiping.

satans flaming hemorrhoids
satans flaming hemorrhoids
Snack Value

The Jerky Connection sells this Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids variety from its website at a price of $29.00 for a 16oz package. Add to that shipping of $6.30 out to Southern California, and it works out to a price of $2.21 per ounce.

For general jerky snacking purposes, at the $2.21 per ounce price, it's a good value. I'm getting a great overall flavor with a good meat consistency and chewing texture. Compared to other brands of jerky sold in stores, it has better flavor and meat consistency.

As a spicy hot beef jerky, specifically with ghost peppers and trinidad scorpions, it's a good value as well. I'm getting plenty of the unique flavors of ghost peppers and trinidad scorpions as well as a lot of heat. It's nowhere near as hot as eating those peppers straight up, but it's still pretty darn hot.


I'm giving this a best rating.

This Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids variety from The Jerky Connection does a pretty good job of bringing out the unique, fruity flavor of ghost peppers and trinidad scorpion peppers, while doling out a pretty high level of heat.

What I liked most about Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids is the long sustained endorphin rush and elevated blood temperature. Even though the burn settled down to a low heat, I was still wired up as if I had taken a couple of coffee enemas.

So the "burning" question is, is this the world's hottest jerky? Well, not quite, I'm still holding out on Ed's Roadhouse Jerky Scorpion Bite, though this is pretty damn hot. And I will have to say that I've yet to review The Jerky Connection's Insanity, Devil's Den, and World Destruction 2012, so I'd hate to call it a contest at this point.

However, Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids is perhaps the hottest jerky I've had that maintains its endorphin rush and elevated blood temperature for a good long time. Between searing hot burn and long lasting rush, I kinda like the long lasting rush better.

Rating: Best

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  1. Wait until you guys try The Reaper...coming in January 2013! You will change oyur mind on the hottest jerky in the world!

  2. Satan's Flaming Hemorrhoids is a very good blend of heat and flavor. I really enjoy the pepper's flavors in this jerky. I can't wait to try The Reaper!

  3. I love Gate 7, so I'm now eager to attempt the next level. Gate 7 is a huge hit at my office, and it has become one of my favorite flavors of jerky ever. Thanks for the review.